Three long years ago I was awaiting the birth of our 11th child (my 14th pregnancy). You know how that last month is. Huge. Miserable. A beached whale sort of feeling. Little did we know then that our baby boy would be stillborn.
In my heart I think I knew that we were going to lose him. A mother's intuition sort of thing, I suppose. We were doing well financially and I bought so much stuff for him. A new bassinett, clothes, cloth diapers, toys~~so much. Very unlike me. It's as if I wanted to jam as much buying in the short amount of time that I had.
I wonder how different our lives would be today if our baby had lived. Our little guy (Son #6) was/is SOOOOOO... demanding. I can't imagine how difficult it would have been to have had a new baby and to have to have dealt with him too. We would have found a way, I'm sure. I remember how much we were looking forward to having a new baby in spite of Son #6's command of our attention. A sweet challenge.
My body feels as though it might finally be healed of the trauma of birthing a 12 pound dry baby who could not offer any help. His shoulders were stuck and I had nurses in front of me pulling on him, nurses on the bed with me pushing down on my ribs and stomach to push him out, and nurses at my sides hollering for me to push. I couldn't walk without serious support the first week after the birth~~or even move comfortably for a month.
Slowly, I've healed physically. We had hoped that the Lord would grant us another pregnancy/baby to help our hearts heal as well (though our sweet baby can never be replaced) but I've not had one single positive pregnancy test in all this time.
Are we done having children? Am I selfish to want another baby? The Lord says that children are a blessing and I deeply desire to be blessed again. I love each one of our children so very much and have given so much of myself for them--a joyful sacrifice. Every day I look at our children and adorible grandbaby and thankfulness wells up in my heart to overflowing. How can I NOT want another baby???
Of course, this decision is not in my hands. There is only One Person who can create life. As much as we may wish for another pregnancy, only the Lord can open my womb. We have been waiting for years now to conceive, but it has not happened.
While I am still praying that we might yet have more children I have decided that it is time to let go a little. I've decided to put up for auction the new cloth diapers that I bought during that pregnancy on eBay. It's a hard decision but I feel the need to move past hanging on to all of the baby stuff in hopes that we might need it. You know? The diapers are so small and beautiful. Such a hard decision and yet a freeing one. I know that I will not get out of them as much as I paid for them. If they sell I plan to use the money to buy more fruit trees for our family. What a blessing it will be to the children and grandchildren to eat fruit from those trees in due time.
Aren't they so cute???